Just trying to help, Bra.

4.02.14

It’s shocking when they get mad at you for trying to help them

Then they become blind to the patterns they set up that block your help.

I have found myself near begging for help on how I could help people.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about genuine do-gooder type of stuff.  As much as I love the image of me with a cape, I find myself afraid of even a kind word to people sitting still on the sidewalk.  I skitter from that kind of help like a mouse.  Anything in motion, a nod, carry on, that’s manageable.  Actual contact, engagement, the lights go on and Iike a flash the shadows.

I’m working on that; miserably.  I’m finding the modern day Samaratan thing to be difficult in the translation.

No.  I’m talking about let’s move the couch kinds of stuff.  Mutually beneficial tasks.  Projects that take a few and help a few.  Even other people’s projects that I’m paid to do things like…help.

I had a Sisyphus with this job recently in the prep.  The Help me Help you had the wincing effect of a personal colonoscopy.  My kid beat up their kids.  I threw up on their wedding dress.  I burned off their mustache.  I drove over their turtle.  I gave their Grandma herpes.  Cascade in the soup.  Poop toothpaste.

Simple questions like “what would you like?” and the sprinkler system went off.

So strange.

Help

It’s shocking when they get mad at you for trying to help them.

Then they become blind to the patterns they set up that block your help.

I have found myself near begging for help on how I could help people.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about genuine do-gooder type of stuff.  As much as I love the image of me with a cape, I find myself afraid of even a kind word to people sitting still on the sidewalk.  I skitter from that kind of help like a mouse.  Anything in motion, a nod, carry on, that’s manageable.  Actual contact, engagement, the lights go on and Iike a flash the shadows.

I’m working on that; miserably.  I’m finding the modern day Samaritan thing to be difficult in the translation.

No.  I’m talking about let’s move the couch kinds of stuff.  Mutually beneficial tasks.  Projects that take a few and help a few.  Even other people’s projects that I’m paid to do things like…help.

I had a Sisyphus with this job recently in the prep.  The Help me Help you had the wincing effect of a personal colonoscopy.  My kid beat up their kids.  I threw up on their wedding dress.  I burned off their mustache.  I drove over their turtle.  I gave their Grandma pneumonia.  Cascade in the soup.  Poop toothpaste.

Simple questions like “what would you like?” and the sprinkler system went off.

So strange.

gas hotels

So I’m staying in this hotel just like I stay in other hotels when I stay in hotels.  I get in, I set my bag on something hard like porcelain or tile, check for bed bugs, unpack my backpack, charge every battery I can, drink some water, leave my jacket on, take off my shoes, hide all the hotel pamphlets and paper junk, look at the free and expensive treats and sit down in front of my computer.  Oh, and turn off the HVAC.

Except that, in this hotel, turning off the air means that all I get to smell is the burnt natural gas not burning in the “fireplace.”  The kind of stink that would cause your head to ache if you didn’t run for your very life within thirty minutes.

So now I have to open the sliding glass door and crank the fan.  But soon I have to go to sleep.  The trouble is that when I sleep, I have a harder time keeping track of the things I own and someone could take advantage of that by walking in through the door and taking them.

So…safety or sleep or comfort or HVAC…difficult decisions here in LA.

Saks on Wilshire

I went to Saks on Wilshire today.  The idea was for Vince and I to shop for shoes.  Instead we each found a bowl full of creepy.

How could so many shoes look so much alike and all cost more than a healthy man’s liver and $500 cash?  Ok, I get it: suede is more important than I could know and penny loafers have a consequence in our culture that I’ve severely underestimated.  But here was a carefully curated display of dozens and dozens of shoes that were neither manly nor clever nor functional nor believable.  I actually could not find the way to accept that this collection had been curated with sound mind and body.

And then there was the sales team.  Who knew that being looked after could feel so creepy?

I know they knew I wouldn’t be spending a lost thought there but that didn’t stop them from hovering over me like a bad cold.  When we left, the mother ship breathed a clean sigh of relief at our necessary departure.  Temporary inconvenience aside, things could go back to normal.  Did you see the Pirates of the Caribbean movies where the shell slaves on Davy Jones ship were mollusked into the walls?  Yeah, like that probably.  I bet you anything that’s exactly what happened with them when we left.

black coffee

How do you want your coffee?

>>Black.

< pours milk >

>>Wait!  No milk.  I didn’t want milk.

Oh, you don’t want anything in it?

>>No.  Black.  Nothing in it.  Just straight up please.

Oh, ok.

< hands me coffee with milk >

Two dollars.